I have been very quiet recently and it's not for the lack of things to document as that is far from the truth but instead there has been so much going on that I can't clearly write it down. Annie is 3 months today and we are slowly emerging from the haze of the early months. They have been extra busy and although Annie is a smiley, happy little baby she has suffered colic, needs constant feeding during the day, needs to be held and refusing to take a bottle has meant that getting away for more than 60 minutes has been virtually impossible. Pair this with deciding to toilet train your toddler when your husband is away working most of the past 3 weeks has made many days tough to say the least!
They do say that the initial 3 months after birth is the 4th trimester of the pregnancy, the development of the baby is just as rapid as when pregnant and the mother is also going through just as many changes emotionally and physically. These things I had to remind myself as for a while I was fighting Annie's constant need to be held but when I accepted how new it all was to both of us and that we will find a way to be close and be there for Bella it got a little easier.
It was easy to be there for Bella in the early days I held her all day long, it was only her that needed me. I feel bad for Annie as most times when she fell asleep I was quickly trying to put her down with every trick known to man just to not 'waste' a precious second, sorting Bella, getting ready, making dinners etc.
Annie hasn't realised that the umbilical has been cut yet, there is 'feeding on demand' and there is Annie's 'I demand to be fed all day long' she's a buffet kind of girl and I am a golden bell around my neck away from being called Daisy, but the feeding is a blessing as it makes me sit down, hold her and breath her in. Annie loves to be held all day but only really by her mummy, even the pram for walks hasn't been a solution. I like to think my little girl is loyal as right now no bottle, person or blanket can take her mummy's place.
As much as Annie just arrived and slotted into family life and I would say the change hasn't been so dramatic the second time around, I also believe in the other hand it's all so new again. I read things for 'new mums' and they refer to mums with their first baby but I believe you are a new mum with your first, second, third etc as I am a new mum to two and I am new to finding how to balance it all and be a mum to very different needs and stages.
This week Annie has sat contented in the bouncer, took a bottle to let Colin and I go for dinner and reluctantly took a bottle to let me go into Belfast for a few hours. These were the things that I had been longing for, just for a little break but now I see the end of a phase, the end of the 4th trimester. The virtual cord is being cut and I hold back the watery eyes and hold her sleeping on my chest while I write this when she could be put down. I realise this will probably be my last baby, will probably be the last months I will solely be relied on for nurishment and comfort, I can do no wrong in her eyes, I will never be loved this much again and I realise that now it's me, I don't want it to end.