It happened again! As the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve I got that horrible feeling, the familiar feeling that I felt before on 01/01/2014.... Stomach in knots and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.
This was not due to the fact at this exact time I was nursing a poorly baby in an isolation room of a hospital (I know it didn't help) but because it was my bench mark of when I would 'start thinking about going back to work'.
With Bella I spent the full New Year's Day sobbing to Colin, snotty style crying, that I was closing in on my last few months with Bella. I know sounds a little extreme but I work full time hours (and more) and not the kind that when 5 o'clock comes I grab my bag and leave nor the kind that fits into the 'well at least you will get peace to enjoy a hot cup of coffee' (my face normally resembles the gritted teeth style emoji when someone says that and I love my coffee as much as the next sleep deprived mum but that one just doesn't cut it for me).
Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the fast pace of it, I love how you can use creative flair and working with so many people, you couldn't do it if you didn't enjoy it but 2 hours travel per day plus a 10 hour day (at best), 5 days a week I think it's understandable why I would be anxious... When will I see my babies?
I was going to say I am lucky that I have a stable full time job but I am going to give myself a little credit here as I have worked hard for it, put in more sweat and tears to get to where I am in my career than I did giving birth to both babies.I have been asked more times than 'are you going to try for a boy?' if I would like to stay at home with the girls... I would love nothing more than to be with them everyday but it's just not an option for many reasons, money, the fact I have worked so hard to get to were I am in my career and for my own personal values (well they aren't too strong, if I win the lottery this week that part will go out the window).
Part time is the dream- the ultimate work/ life balance in my eyes but unfortunately not something that at this time is offered in my job.
I am taking the year maternity, I will never do it again so we will make it work. I feel slightly robbed of 4 months maternity leave by silent reflux.
So here I am, deciding that I won't let this anxiety eat me up. These days are precious and numbered and I am going to enjoy them with my girls. If there is anything I have learnt in my few short years of motherhood is that we are adaptable creatures, we have to be so I will make it work. I will make sure it does as I am not willing to miss being a key player in my girls lives. I will be at the school gates on the first day of school and the nativity plays because I never want them to look back and think that mummy wasn't there. I am confident I have got my priorities in place and know I can be there for their childhood and have my career.
Like all part time or full time working mums I will also get to call myself a 'full time mum' because that's one job we never clock out from and just like all stay at home mums, we know that work is very much full time!