Pressure of comparison
As I tucked Bella into bed and give her a kiss and a cuddle I left the room with a heaviness on my chest. I done it again. Another day off work that I didn't make super fun and extraordinary.
I didn't bake a cake with her or collect leaves and stick them onto a page.
I done a run to the post office, went and got groceries, done some washing and skimmed the house (baby wipe style no 'deep cleaning' involved) and I wrote a blog post as the deadline was that day....
The day was already over but I wished for another chance at it as I do many days that I have off.
I will try harder next week, I definitely will.
But next week comes and the housework is back again, sure I know the saying that 'it will wait' but the person my housework is waiting on never turns up so I need to do a little while waiting for this person. The cupboards need to be filled up again and the bills need to be paid.
And we are in a cycle. A cycle of believing in the midst of doing so much and barely sitting down to catch my breath that I'm actually not doing enough.
It is only me though, the person I have to blame for this feeling of not being or doing enough. I am sure when Bella and Annie are holding my hand and skipping into the post office while chittering along about all the important stuff on their mind, I'm sure they feel like it's enough.
My mum was a 'home help' and a playground assistant. Jobs that she had chosen in order to be able to look after me and be always there. I went with her at dinner time when she got all the elderly fed and ready for bed, I went with her on my days off school and sometimes even in my pajamas too if they fell and needed mum to help them in the evening.
Our days together would have been normally mum making the dinner for me and half the elderly around the area while I watched CBeebies (yikes! Screen time), there were no online grocery orders so it would have been filled with messages and shops and all the ordinary things. What I do remember though, more than the days of us collecting conkers together in Curls lane and drying them in the hot press and more than the very, very rare trips to the park was the fact that we were together. Mum was there, maybe up to her eyes busy most days but I never fell short of feeling loved.
I hear so much nowadays that social media is a negative outlet where people compare themselves and it can make people feel inferior. I believe that you get from social media what you want. I believe that it can't 'make you' feel anything, you have to let it, everyone is different and you can pick and choose what you view.
I love seeing the homecooked, freshly prepared meals on a Monday evening and a table full of children sitting around it. I just can't achieve that but I also love that on a Monday my children will get a home cooked meal by their nana while I am out working. I know that it is exactly what is needed right now for our family, I might not be the best domesticated but what I am going to give myself a break! I'm doing a great job at what I do and the fact the girls are getting this time with their extremely loving nana is priceless.
I often wonder did people say that Disney films added undue pressure to ladies back in the 90's. I never heard my mum mention it and she never complained that Sleeping Beauties mum had her hair and make up done at 7am and rocking a corset and full skirt. Mum rocked her highwaisted jeans, Reebok trainers, Dunnes white Tshirt, permed hair and rocked it well.
Mum never complained of the screen time that I had watching Tiny tots followed by Wizadora to enable her to get the dinners made for the elderly, it was her job and the reason I could have her on hand.
I remember many days trying to get her attention as she had her head in a Danielle Steele book but never questioned who or what she has more interest in.
So as the daily chores, Disney films, CBeebies shows and Danielle Steele novels have changed a little with the modern times the idea is still the same.
There is only one person that can really put true pressure on me and that is myself. I can choose to let that pressure remain or in the words of Taylor Swift just try to 'shake it off.'
So I am reminding myself that everyday doesn't need to be extraordinary, just being is enough because there is comfort in the ordinary... especially when your mum is by your side.
I am on a day off tomorrow with lots to get done, I can't wait to we get to do it and spend it together.