Scared to ‘feel’ happy
Gosh I already don't know where I am going with this post. Don't know how it will be received and if I will be able to articulate it correctly. I know one thing's for sure, sitting at 6:30am in the airport it may not be the best piece of writing. I struggle with grammar and spelling at the best of times, so at this time, in a muddle of thoughts, just lower the expectation or go on and save yourself now.
I feel like I want to write this down though as recently it's been in the back of my mind. Not every blog needs to be perfectly articulated with amazing matching imagery so I will share a little more 'raw' me on time constraints and maybe this way I might even get to blog more too.
At the start of the year had a lightbulb moment or moment of realisation (might describe this more in the future) and decided things needed to change. After an incredibly tough and heavy 10 months I have everything I could wish for and more. Everything I could wish for is a truly dedicated husband, two healthy children which at one point of my life I thought I wouldn't have and my family around me.... the rest is the sprinkles on the top/ 'nice to haves' but elements that can change and as long as everyone is ok, then that's ok.
I don't say this to be boastful and this is maybe where my fear of being so open lies.
I am fearful. Fearful of admitting how happy I feel that it actually gives me an anxiety of what lies around the corner. Each time I hear a tragic or sad story I immediately put myself in the position of the person and think 'why them'. When I hear of bad crashes on the roads I instantly round up in my head where everyone is, then ring dad who is a delivery driver.... when I have them all accounted for I think of the family that may have one missing. I have also been delaying a family trip to London we have been talking about for a while, I have the fear of bringing my family into danger. I know that's exactly what terrorists want.
My mum is a worrier and probably a glass half empty person (sorry mum, but you know it's true) it's always the extreme worst case scenario and we laugh at her for it. However she would say it's due to living through some awful times and I get that!
But the older I get and the older the girls get and I have to loosen the ties a little around them, I feel like it's rubbing off on me. My heart is literally beating outside my body and the fear of anything happening them almost consumes me at times, like now as I am going to be a flight away from home.
Travel is a big part of my job, past and present, I don't let it stop me but recognise the feelings. Today travelling away from my girls I am filled with a mix of utter excitement that for the first time I can go and really enjoy these opportunities and not stress about the other job/ emails or what others will be thinking. On the other hand I squeezed the girls so tight before I left that Colin said out loud 'watch her neck'.
I need to round this up, we are taking off soon.
I suppose what I'm saying is, and I'm sure I am not alone, I can recognise that these months I've never been happier. I feel a contentment that I've never experienced in my life before and there's been such a turn around in the last few months but I take nothing for granted, not a day.
I have spent the last year planning ahead that I now need to try and live in the moment with these people, to let myself enjoy the moments.
'Baking' (out of a box) buns yesterday with the girls after school, after I completed my work for the day and could give them me and I had to give myself permission to think 'this is a dream come true!' There's nothing else you need to do, let the panic relax and just enjoy this, the time with them.
I suppose right now too there is a nervousness of the decision I made work wise, knowing that it's amazing right now but the worry of the years to come as I've given up some security (as secure as most jobs get in this era) for a little freedom.
If the new job goes tits up, I have enough experience behind me that I'll get something, I would do anything... There is no job that I am too good for. No need to worry about a 3 year plan when I just need to enjoy where the work has taken me to now.
And for the true worries, the ones for loved ones. I just have to train myself to enjoy today and take down the umbrella when it's not raining to let myself feel the warmth of them around me. Because that is what worrying does, it holds no purpose other than stealing from today.
If your worries are not 'what ifs' then I am sending so much love your way and hoping the rainbow follows soon. I hope I don't offend but I needed to recognise an anxiety that anyone can face.